“I thought getting sober would fix everything.” Ain’t that the truth.
I got sober determined never to pick up meth again. That was one hell of a decision. But no amount of sobriety could prepare me for this: codependency did not start when I started using, and it sure as hell didn’t end when I quit. Codependency had been building long before I ever picked up that first time. It lived in the memories of those early chaotic years. It lived in my house with my abusive ex. It lived downtown in my apartment building. It lived at the trailer park, it lived in that rental where everything felt like it was falling apart.
There were nights when I woke up afraid to fall asleep because my sons were breathing on either side of me, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it home that night, or if we would ever dig ourselves out.
Sound familiar? Sobriety cracked me wide open. Here I was thinking addiction was going to be my biggest hurdle, but codependency was there, waiting. And it showed up after I quit drugs. If sobriety taught me anything, it is that codependency did not just come with my addiction, it was my entire childhood survival strategy, emerging in new ways when drugs were off the table. If you are sober, or in recovery from anything, and you feel drawn to this, know this piece is for you.
Where Codependency Shows Up When You’re Sober
While using, my addiction and codependency went hand in hand. You cannot use every day and not have codependency playing a role. Once I quit the drugs, the pattern did not disappear, it just shifted.
Imagine this: Early sobriety. Standing at the doorway of my sons’ bedroom after they finally fell asleep. Completely still, listening to them breathe. Overwhelming guilt poured over me. I missed too much. Birthdays defined by chaos. Holidays made wonderful only by sleep because that was the only time everyone stopped arguing. All the years our family felt consumed by their biological father’s chaos. His rights were terminated years ago, but the damage went on long after he left. So what did I do? I functioned too much. Said yes when I wanted to scream no. I spoiled them. I gave them what I thought they needed to fill the holes I felt like I caused. It looked like love, but it felt like slow drowning.
All because I never learned how not to enable decay.
Patterns do not stay within our immediate family if we allow it. Kids internalize these lessons whether we mean them to or not. Boys watch and learn their value is in how much they can do. They absorb the message that other people’s feelings are their responsibility. Many grow up to be perpetual fixers, swallowing their own emotions until they burst at someone else’s tragedy. Girls watch and learn their value is tied up in taking care of loved ones. They believe, whether they know it or not, that other people’s feelings are their responsibility. Many become caregivers in relationships, seeking approval they were deprived of at home. The cycle continues over family lines, disguised as loyalty, duty, or love.
The Gifts You Give and Take
Not everyone falls into these categories. In fact, they can show up for any gender. What stays the same is feeling tired as hell by everyone else’s stuff.
The Invisible Giver: This shows up for many women that I work with. You are the one. You remember everyone’s schedules. You keep the peace at family functions because we are all going to be happy together, right? You smile through obligations because it is family. You say it is ok when you are shrinking on the inside like ice on the roof of a Northwoods cabin. In sober relationships it may look like explaining yourself over and over to a partner who does not understand why suddenly everything hurts, or shouldering the brunt of the emotional labor in your household.
Sound like anyone you know?
The Invisible Taker or Lone Wolf Provider: This can show up more often for men. You do things for people. You work hard, provide, fix what you can. And you do not talk about how you feel, especially the ugly parts. Real men handle it. In sobriety this might look like withdrawal instead of asking for help, or expecting your partner to handle the feelings while you deal with the logistics of life. You avoid feeling your own pain by distracting yourself in work, focusing on other people’s drama, or stepping in to save everyone else’s problems.
The tie that binds is this false, narcissistic mantra pounding through their brains: “My worth is based on what I can do for others.”
The invisible givers lose themselves in helping others. The invisible takers stay trapped in hyper-independence. Neither allow themselves to feel fully or connect authentically. Everyone loses. Kids grow up with the same lessons. Partners pick up the slack. Communities stay trapped in vicious cycles. Living in rural or small-town America, where everything is everyone’s business and family helps family no matter what, just compounds the frustration. You cannot exactly disappear to work on stuff. You learn to live there, and figure out how to stay without losing yourself along the way.
My husband helped me crack that mindset. When we first got together, he adopted my boys, parented them longer than their biological father did, and watched me dunk myself into poor help again and again. His ability to just be for us helped us all immensely. But I still needed to learn how not to revert to habitual perfectionism and over-functioning.
Healthy Boundaries That Won’t Break the Bank
Real life does not always allow you to take off on fancy retreats to practice boundaries. But you can still create skills that work for you, muddy boots and all.
The 24 Hour Rule: Someone asks you to do something that sits in your gut. Respond with, “Let me see how I feel about that and I’ll get back to you.” Give yourself permission to respond, not react.
The “Progress Is Progress” Script: Short and sweet. “I love you and I cannot do that,” or, “I can listen to you vent, but I cannot solve this one for you.” Practice it in your truck, while you are taking a walk, or cooking dinner. Anywhere.
Energy Checks: At least once a week, take stock of what depleted you and what filled you up. Take better care of the filling things. Schedule it if you have to. That solo drive with your music cranked loud, lunch with your partner where everyone else’s dramas cannot find you, saying no to one extra thing so you are not spread too thin.
Clean Apologies: Slip up? Own it. “I said too much because I was feeling scared. I am working on that.” No need to go into an essay about why you slipped up. Clean apology. Done.
Workbook it: Get yourself a copy of Sober, Not Sorry and work through the chapters related to codependency with your relationships in mind. It was created for real life. Bend the exercises to work for your unique situation. Make it work for you.
Boundaries do not make you cold. Boundaries allow you to show up for others without losing yourself in the process.
We got this.
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