Embracing My Dark Passenger

Embracing My Dark Passenger: A Journey Through Addiction and Recovery

Warning: This post contains dark humor and an even darker passenger. Proceed with caution.

I'm not a serial killer, but I do have a "dark passenger." It's not the kind that kills people, but the kind that kills relationships, opportunities, and occasionally tries to kill me. If you've watched the show Dexter, you know what I'm talking about. For those who haven't, let me explain: My addiction is my dark passenger.

It's the constant companion whispering terrible ideas into my ear, the shadow looming over my shoulder, the voice telling me to make that impulsive decision I'll definitely regret later. It's the part of me that doesn't want to get better, the part that sabotages my progress and convinces me to pick up a drink/drug/poor life choice again.

For a long time, I hated this part of myself. I felt ashamed and broken, like I was forever chained to this destructive force inside my head. But then something shifted. I realized that my dark passenger wasn't the enemy - it was just a really shitty travel companion. And I wasn't going to get rid of it, no matter how hard I tried. So, I decided to do the unthinkable: I made friends with the bastard.

This doesn't mean I started actively listening to its terrible advice (although, let's be real, sometimes I still do). It means I stopped fighting it, hating it, and shaming myself for having it in the first place. I learned to acknowledge it, to say, "Oh, you're back, huh? Feeling a little restless today?" And then I'd invite it to take a seat in the back of the bus while the rational part of my brain got to drive for a while.

But here's the thing: Making friends with your dark passenger isn't a one-time event, it's a process. It takes work, patience, and a whole lot of self-compassion. It means learning to say "Fuck you" to the shame and stigma that's haunted you for so long. It means realizing that your dark passenger isn't a definition of your worth, but a twisted expression of your deepest pain.

And it means growing. Oh, does it mean growing. It means looking at that broken, hurting part of yourself and instead of judgment, offering it understanding. Instead of rejection, offering it compassion. And instead of trying to destroy it, figuring out how to transform it.

For me, that transformation looked like channeling my addictive energy into healthier obsessions - like writing, music, and true crime podcasts (ironically enough). It looked like learning to recognize the lies my dark passenger told me and counter them with truth. And it looked like creating a life so full of purpose and connection that my dark passenger became a backseat driver instead of the guy behind the wheel.

Recovery isn't about exorcising your demons, it's about learning to travel with them. It's about understanding that your dark passenger is just a part of the trip, not the destination. And the destination? It's a life of purpose, connection, and growth - even with that pesky shadow tagging along. It's the realization that no matter how broken you feel, you are not beyond repair. You are capable of change, of growth, of transformation.

So, if you're sitting there feeling like a flawed, broken, addicted mess, just know this: you aren't alone. We all have our dark passengers. And while they might drive us crazy sometimes, they don't define our journey. We do. One (sometimes faltering) step at a time. And if you're ready to start that journey, to make friends with your own dark passenger and show it who's boss, then strap in. It won't be easy, but I promise you this: It will be worth it.

Ready to start your own journey and learn to travel with your dark passenger? Here are some next steps:

• Find a therapist: They're like a GPS for navigating your dark passenger. Trust me, you need one.
• Support groups: These are the fellow travelers who get it. Don't be afraid to roll down your window and ask for directions.
• Self-care: Sometimes, your dark passenger just needs a time-out. Meditation, exercise, and ice cream are all great options.
• Find your "why": What's driving your desire to get better? Is it your kids, your health, your dreams? Whatever it is, let that be the fuel that keeps you moving forward.
• Celebrate the wins: Recovery isn't a straight line, it's a messy, beautiful mess of a journey. Don't underestimate the power of celebrating those tiny victories along the way.

And hey, if you're feeling brave, share about your own dark passenger in the comments. Let's shed some light on these pesky shadows and remind each other that we're not alone. That we're in this together. And that no matter how broken we may feel, we are capable of incredible growth, transformation, and change.-Belle- 

I'm an Addict and I'm Not Sorry

Let's get real for a second. If you're reading this, chances are you or someone you love has been through the wringer of addiction. And if that's the case, you know that the worst part isn't the withdrawals, the failed relationships, or those awful, gut-wrenching moments of clarity on the bathroom floor. It's the shame. Oh, the shame. It's like someone poured gasoline all over your soul and lit a match.

Well, I'm here to tell you something: fuck the shame. No, really. Fuck it right in the ear. You don't need that kind of toxic garbage holding you back anymore.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I'm an addict. I've done some bad shit. I've lied, I've stolen, I've woken up in strange places with even stranger people. But you know what? I'm still a person. I'm still a person who deserves to be happy, to love and be loved, to leave something better than I found it.

Look, you can't change your past. That ship has sailed, baby. But you can change your now. And your now is all about the next decision you make. Is it going to be a step towards the light, or a step back into the darkness? That's up to you.

And let's be real clear: just because you've made some crappy choices doesn't mean you're a crappy person. We've all been there. We've all done things we wish we could take back. But the people who can admit the fuck up, learn from it, and keep moving forward? Those are the people who are going to make it.

Recovery isn't about being perfect. It's about being a little less of a disaster today than you were yesterday. It's about taking your meds, going to your meetings, eating a vegetable every once in a while. Baby steps, folks. That's how you run a marathon.

And yeah, there's going to be setbacks. There's going to be days when it all feels like too much and getting high/drunk/whatever just seems easier. But easier isn't always better. Sometimes you have to go through the hard to get to the other side.

I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm less than because of my past. I'm sick of feeling like I don't deserve good things. I deserve good things. I deserve love, and stability, and a fucking decent night's sleep. And so do you.

So, let's make a pact to ourselves. Let's leave the shame behind. Let's take our power back. Let's show the world that we're not just junkies, we're warriors. We're survivors. And we're not sorry for it.

Screw the shame. Let's get on with the living.-Belle-

Emotional Intelligence: The Secret Superpower of Recovery

Let's talk about feelings. I know, I know, it sounds like the start of a cheesy rom-com or a bad 90s boy band song. But hear me out. See, most of us in recovery spent years trying to drown, numb, or just generally avoid our feelings like they were a bad ex. And it makes sense, right? If you've got a truckload of trauma and a side of toxic crap in your emotional backpack, the last thing you want to do is dig through all that.

But here's the thing: you can't avoid your feelings forever. And honestly, that's a good thing. See, your feelings are like your body's built-in GPS. They're always trying to tell you something - that you're safe, that you're in danger, that you're about to make a huge mistake, or that you just found something amazing.

The problem is, most of us never learned how to freaking read the map. That's where emotional intelligence comes in.

Emotional intelligence is just a fancy way of saying "being smart about your feelings." It's about understanding what you're feeling, why you're feeling it, and how to use that information to make your life better. It's like having a superpower, but instead of laser eyes or flying, you get to be awesome at the whole "being human" thing.

So how does this play out in recovery? Well, imagine being able to understand why you always get twitchy at family holidays, or why that one guy at the meeting always gets under your skin. Imagine being able to calm yourself down when things get stressful, instead of turning to your old friend Benzo or Betty Beer. Imagine being able to build real, honest relationships based on more than just shared war stories. That's what emotional intelligence gives you.

And it's not just about relationships. When you get good at the whole feelings thing, suddenly other areas of your life start to fall into place. You get better at standing up for yourself in court, at advocating for yourself to your PO, at nailing that job interview. You start to see that you're not just a screwed-up addict, but a person with strengths, weaknesses, and the ability to change.

So yeah, feelings can be scary. But they're also the key to building a life that's actually worth staying sober for. And the good news is, you can start building your emotional intelligence right now, no matter where you're at in your recovery journey. Here are a few ways to get started:

• Mindfulness: This is just a fancy way of saying "pay attention to the present moment." It's about noticing what you're feeling, without judgment. Try taking a few minutes each day to just focus on your breath, your body, and what's going on inside you. It's not about achieving some kind of zen master calm, it's just about practicing awareness.
• Labeling your emotions: When you start to feel something, try to put a label on it. Are you anxious, angry, excited, or sad? And then ask yourself why you might be feeling that way. Is it because of something going on in your life, or is it an old pattern resurfacing? The more you practice, the better you'll get at understanding your emotional landscape.
• Feeling without acting: This is a big one in early recovery. When you're flooded with emotions, it's easy to just react without thinking. But that often lands us in trouble. Instead, try to create a little space between feeling and acting. Take a few deep breaths, go for a walk, write in a journal - do something to process what you're feeling before you make a move. With time, you'll get better at responding instead of reacting.

It takes work, sure. But if you're willing to put in the effort, emotional intelligence can be your secret superpower on the road to recovery.-Belle- 

The Anthem of a Broken Generation: Unpacking Jelly Roll's "I Am Not Okay"

I'm not crying, you're crying. Okay, fine. I'm crying. Jelly Roll's new song "I Am Not Okay" has me sobbing like I just found out I'm allergic to beer. But these ain't sad tears, folks. They're the ugly, cathartic, someone-pass-the-tissues kind of tears that come with finally feeling seen.

Jelly Roll's raw, unflinching lyrics are a gut punch to anyone who's ever wrestled with their demons. And let's be real, that's most of us. Addiction, depression, anxiety - those are just the buzzwords. The real struggle is the feeling of being broken, of being so lost you can't see a way out of the dark.

But here's the magic of Jelly Roll: he's not just surviving, he's thriving. And he's bringing all of us messed-up, still-figuring-it-out folks along with him. With every heartbreaking lyric and soaring chorus, he's screaming one thing loud and clear: it's okay to not be okay.

From my own personal experiences and even my professional ones, I truly believe that depression, addiction and many of our dysfunctional behaviors are often a symptom of deeper trauma. We try to put band-aids over the bullet holes of our trauma, over the missing pieces of ourselves and our false belief systems. We use substances, we behave in certain ways, we live our lives in certain ways to numb, to not have to feel. But what is the real reason we don't want to feel? What are those things about ourselves, the world, and everything around us that put us in that position to begin with? And how do we even start to work on that?

"I Am Not Okay" is a raw exposition of struggle with mental health, clothed in the gritty reality of Jelly Roll's own experiences (Beats Rhymes Lists). The lyrics depict a journey through pain, confusion, and the relentless fight to maintain a semblance of normalcy despite the overwhelming struggles (Reddit). It's an emotionally raw song that delves into the singer's emotional pain and struggles with mental health (Billboard).

This is the kind of art that makes you feel less alone in your brokenness, and that, friends, is the first step towards healing. By confronting the brokenness head-on, by shining a light into the darkest corners of our souls, we can start to mend. We can start to question those deeply-held beliefs, to challenge the narratives that have held us back for so long. It may be a trigger for some of us, but it can also be a song of redemption, a song knowing that we are not alone.

And it's not just the music. Jelly Roll's whole story is one of radical redemption. From addiction to prison to becoming the voice of a generation, this is a dude who knows about hitting rock bottom and then finding a way to climb back up into the light. When he took home that Best New Artist of the Year award, he said something that stuck with me: "Anything is possible." It sounds cheesy, but hell, sometimes you just need to hear the cheesy stuff.

So yeah, Jelly Roll's making me cry. But they're the kind of tears that wash away all the crap you've been carrying, the kind that leave you feeling raw but somehow, somehow lighter. They're the kind of tears that remind you that even in the darkest corners of your soul, there's always a spark of hope. And maybe, just maybe, that's enough to keep us going, to keep us fighting, to keep us believing that things can get better.

And if that's not something to sing about, I don't know what is.-Belle-

Learning to Trust Myself Again: A Wild Ride of Recovery, CBT, and Not Totally Screwing Things Up

I used to trust myself about as much as I'd trust a raccoon with my lunch. Meaning, not at all. See, when you're deep in the throes of addiction, your internal compass is about as reliable as a drunk trying to give directions. You're constantly second-guessing, overthinking, and wondering if you're just messing everything up (spoiler alert: you probably are).

But, as the fog of substances starts to lift, you're left staring at this stranger in the mirror – yourself. And you have to start figuring out how to trust that guy/gal again. It's like trying to relearn how to ride a bike, except the bike's on fire and there's a cliff involved.

At first, it feels like you're making everything up as you go along. "Should I eat this sandwich? Is that a yes or a no?" It's exhausting. But slowly, you start to tune back into that little voice inside your head. You know, the one that's not screaming at you to drink/smoke/sleep till next Thursday. That guy starts to get louder again.

This is where tools like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) come in handy. It's like learning to be your own life coach, but without the obnoxious whistle and pointless running drills. You start to catch those negative thought patterns, kinda like a baseball player snagging a fly ball, and you're like, "Oh, I'm about to spiral into a panic… let me reroute this."

You begin playing the tape forward, seeing how actions have consequences. It's like finally reading the instructions after you've been trying to build that IKEA bookshelf for an hour. Things start to make sense. You're not just reacting anymore, you're responding. You're not just surviving, you're kinda, sorta thriving.

Now, I'm not gonna lie and tell you it's all rainbows and kittens. There are still days when trusting myself feels like handing a toddler a box of sharpies and hoping for the best. But, the trick is to not totally freak out when things inevitably get messy. It's okay to not have all the answers. It's okay to still screw up sometimes. That's just, like, Tuesday.

And, yeah, there are slippery slopes. There'll be days when that old familiar voice whispers, "Just one drink won't hurt." But, you've got this. You've got tools, you've got support, and you've got a whole lot of reasons to keep moving forward.

So, who do you trust when you can't trust yourself? Well, that's where those pesky support groups and therapists come in. They're like having a spotter at the gym, except they won't judge you if you can only lift, like, a kettlebell. And, hey, talking about feeling like you can't trust your own brain? That's a great conversation starter! (Sarcasm alert!)

But, here's the thing: the more you practice trusting yourself, the easier it gets. It's like a weird, wonderful muscle that grows the more you use it. And, man, is it empowering. You start to realize you're capable of way more than you thought. You can totally order food without having a panic attack, or make a life decision without consulting a Magic 8-Ball.

Recovery isn't always easy, but it's worth it. Because, on the other side of all the hard work, is this person who's a little more whole, a little more themselves, every single day. And, yeah, that's a person you can trust. That's a person you can root for.

So, hey, if you're in the midst of that struggle, just know things get better. Keep showing up, even when you don't feel like it. Keep doing the next right thing, no matter how small it seems. Because, eventually, you'll look in the mirror and see a person you can trust, a person you actually kinda like. And, man, that's a beautiful thing.-Belle-

The "Fix It Now" Delusion

Recovery Reality Check: Ditch the "Fix It Now" Delusion

Recovery. The buzzword everyone loves to throw around like it's a quick fix. Like it's a damn microwaveable meal. Pop in the effort, set the timer, and BAM! Instant healing. Sorry, folks, but I'm here to break it to you - that's a load of crap.

I know. I was that person. The "I want it now, and I want it perfect" recovery warrior. And let me tell you, it ended in a blaze of glory...and by glory, I mean a spectacular implosion that left me worse off than when I started.

So, here's the part where I'm supposed to tell you patience is a virtue, and good things come to those who wait. But let's get real - patience sucks. It's boring, it's frustrating, and it's hard as hell. But it's also your only ticket out of the mess you're in.

Recovery isn't about being perfect. It's about being persistent. It's about learning to crawl before you can walk, and walk before you can run. It's about screwing up, getting back up, and laughing at how utterly ridiculous the whole process is.

Newsflash: You're not going to magically morph into a fully formed, emotionally healthy, relationship mending machine overnight. It takes time. It takes practice. It takes a hell of a lot of patience. And most importantly, it takes learning to love the hot mess that is you, right now, in this moment.

I'm talking radical self-love. The kind where you look in the mirror and don't automatically catalog all your flaws. The kind where you stop beating yourself up over every little mistake. The kind where you realize, oh shit, I'm doing the best I can, and that's enough.

Because let's face it, recovery is a rollercoaster. One day you're on top of the world, the next you're wondering how you'll make it out of bed. One minute you're motivated, the next you're swearing at the idea of recovery and everyone who suggested you try it. It's like being trapped in the world's most annoying, never-ending emotional whiplash.

And that's when the negative self-talk kicks in. "You're a failure. You'll never get better. This is a waste of time." But what if we could flip that script? What if we could meet ourselves where we are, instead of where we think we should be?

"You're doing the best you can, and that's something to be proud of." "One bad day doesn't erase all your progress." "Recovery is hard, and it's okay to struggle."

See, the key isn't to eliminate the ups and downs (because let's face it, that's never happening). The key is to learn patience. With the process. With yourself. To learn that every setback is a chance to practice radical self-love, not self-flagellation.

So, stop putting that damn pressure on yourself. Stop with the unrealistic expectations. Because the minute you take "I must fix everything NOW" off your shoulders, that's when the real healing begins.

Recovery isn't a sprint, folks. It's a marathon. With hurdles. And sometimes, those hurdles are on fire. But the only way to the finish line is through the flames, with a side of patience, self-love, and maybe a few well placed curses along the way.-Belle-

Recovery, Schmecovery: How to Demand Patient-Centered Care Without Losing Your Mind (Completely)

Recovery, Schmecovery: How to Demand Patient-Centered Care Without Losing Your Mind (Completely)

You've decided to embark on the wild rollercoaster of recovery. Congratulations! You're probably excited, terrified, and utterly confused about where to start. First things first: you need to understand that recovery isn't a one-size-fits-all deal. It's like shoe shopping – what works for your best friend might make you look like you have clown feet. You need a program that fits your style, your quirks, and your unique brand of crazy.

What's this "Patient-Centered Care" I Keep Hearing About?

Patient-centered care is like having a recovery butler. Okay, maybe not quite, but it's close. It means your providers work WITH you, not AT you. They respect your autonomy (fancy word for "your right to make decisions about your own body and mind"), values, and preferences. It's collaborative, not dictatorial. Think of it like a recovery party where you're the guest of honor, not a crasher they're trying to kick out.

So, How Should You Be Treated?

You deserve to be treated like a person, not a diagnosis. Your providers should:

• Respect your time and priorities
• Explain things in a way that doesn't make you feel like an idiot
• Work with you to create a recovery plan that fits your life and goals
• Listen to your concerns without making you feel judged or dismissed
• Coordinate your care so you don't feel like you're herding cats in a thunderstorm

But What If I'm Not Getting the Good Stuff?

If you're not getting patient-centered care, it's time to get loud, get proud, and maybe get a little weird. Here are some steps:

1. Speak up: If something's not working, say so. Be honest, but not (too) brutal. Remember, your providers are human too (most of the time, anyway).
2. Seek out a second opinion: Don't be afraid to get another set of eyes on your situation. It's like getting a second opinion on a haircut – it never hurts to see if someone else thinks you can pull off a mullet.
3. Advocate for yourself: This is your recovery. Own it. Ask questions, demand answers, and don't settle for anything less than care that feels right for YOU.
4. Know your rights: Look, it's not exciting, but understanding your rights as a patient is like having a superpower in your back pocket. Brush up on that jargon and don't be afraid to whip it out when necessary.
5. Don't be afraid to fire your team: If it's not working, it's time to break up with your providers. Harsh, but true. You deserve better.

Finding Your Tribe

Recovery can be a lonely road, but it doesn't have to be. Seek out people and resources that get you, even if they don't get your specific brand of weird. Look for flexibility, compassion, and a healthy dose of humor (dark or otherwise). Remember, the right fit might take time, so be patient and don't lose hope.

Recovery's a journey, not a destination. It's messy, frustrating, and sometimes downright hilarious. But with the right mindset, the right team, and a healthy dose of self-advocacy, you can navigate even the most winding road. So buckle up, buttercup – it's time to take control of your recovery and make it your own.-Belle- 

When Expectations Collide

When Expectations Collide: Addiction, Recovery, and the People We Love

The moment you say the words "I'm addicted" to someone you care about, a whole Pandora's box of expectations opens up. There's what you think they'll do, what they actually do, what you wish they'd do...and let's be real, sometimes it's a hot mess.

The Addict's Side: A Minefield of Expectations

When you're in the throes of addiction, you might have some...let's call them "interesting" ideas about how your loved ones will react when you break the news.

• You might expect them to be all rainbows and unicorns, supporting you every step of the way because, hey, that's what family is for, right?
• Or you might be convinced they'll cut you out of their lives completely, because addiction equals total moral failure (spoiler alert: this is NOT true).
• Maybe you're hoping they'll be your personal sober coaches, providing 24/7 supervision and healthy snacks.

The reality? It's complicated. Your friends and family are humans too, with their own emotions, limits, and misconceptions about addiction. They might be your rock...or they might not know how to handle it at all.

The Loved One's Side: Confusion and (Sometimes) Cluelessness

On the other side of the equation, your friends and family are dealing with their OWN expectations.

• They might think that once you decide to get sober, it's as easy as flipping a switch (um, nope).
• They could be terrified that they'll say/do something wrong and cause a relapse.
• Some might believe that tough love is the answer, others that enabling is the same as supporting you.

The problem? These expectations can sometimes actively work AGAINST your recovery. Like when someone doesn't want to "enable you" so they stop inviting you to social events...which, hello, isolation is a trigger for many of us. Or when they DO enable you, because they're so scared of being the "bad guy" that they cover up your messes and prevent you from facing consequences.

Talking the Talk: What to Say (and Not Say)

So how do you break through the expectation chaos? With some good old-fashioned open and honest conversation.

• Be specific: Don't just say "I need your support." Say "I need you to check in with me every day" or "I need you to not have booze in the house right now."
• Set boundaries: "I love you, but I can't go to bars with you right now" or "I appreciate the offer, but I need professional help, not amateur hour."
• Educate them: Share what you're learning about addiction and recovery. Sometimes, people get it twisted because they just don't get it.

The Kid Factor: Special Considerations

If you're a parent, there's an extra layer. How you talk to your kids about your addiction depends on their age and what they've already seen.

• Little kids: Keep it simple and focus on reassurance. "I'm sick, but I'm getting help and I love you no matter what."
• Older kids: Be honest, but not too graphic. "I've been struggling with drugs/alcohol, but I'm in treatment now."

Earning Trust: No Overnight Thing

Let's get real – trust is broken in addiction. It's not something you can just demand back. It takes time, consistency, and actions speaking louder than words.

• Follow through on commitments: If you say you'll be there, BE THERE.
• Be open about your recovery: Share your progress, and your struggles.
• Give them space: Don't expect things to go back to "normal" right away. Respect their boundaries.

The Bottom Line

Addiction is messy. Recovery is messy. And the people we love? Yep, they can be messy too. But with patience, honesty, and a little bit of humor, you can start to untangle those expectations and build a stronger, healthier relationships.

Because at the end of the day, that's what it's all about – not the drugs, not the booze, but the love and connection we have with the people who matter most.-Belle-

The Devil's in the Details

 

The Devil's in the Details: How Complacency Can Sabotage Your Recovery

Recovery is a wild ride, folks. It's like that one aunt at the family reunion – unpredictable, a little too honest, and always good for a story. But just like how you wouldn't let that aunt near the open bar, you can't afford to get complacent in your recovery.

You've been sober for years, attending meetings, seeing your therapist, doing all the "right" things. But slowly, you start to think, "I've got this. I can coast for a bit." And just like that, you're skipping meetings, canceling therapy appointments, and telling yourself, "One drink won't hurt."

Newsflash: one drink will hurt. It's like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. Complacency is the devil's playground, and he's always looking for a new swing set.

Aftercare is like your recovery's GPS. Without it, you might end up in a ditch somewhere, wondering how you got there. Residential treatment and counseling are like the initial boost, but aftercare is the long-term fuel for your recovery engine.

Aftercare provides:

• Ongoing support and guidance
• Tools for coping with triggers
• A safety net for when things get rocky
• Accountability, because let's face it, we can be sneaky bastards when it comes to our addiction

You Are Your Best Advocate

Finding the right people for your recovery team is like finding your favorite pair of jeans – it takes time, patience, and a little bit of faith. If a provider doesn't feel right, it's okay to say, "Thanks, but no thanks." You need someone you trust, someone you can be honest with (even when it's hard), and someone who will give it to you straight (with a side of compassion).

Don't be afraid to shop around. Meet with different therapists, try out various support groups, and keep searching until you find your tribe. Recovery is hard enough without feeling like you're doing it with people who just don't get you.

The Pros and Cons of Aftercare

Pros:

• Increased chances of long-term sobriety
• Improved mental health
• Coping skills for life's inevitable crapstorms
• A community that gets it, because let's face it, our non-recovery friends just don't get why we can't "just have one drink"

Cons:

• It's work. Like, actual, hard work
• It can be expensive (but so is a funeral, am I right?)
• You have to be honest, and honesty can be uncomfortable

Recovery isn't a destination, it's a journey. And like any journey, you need a map, a compass, and sometimes, a tour guide. Aftercare is your map, your compass, and your annoyingly cheerful tour guide.

Don't let complacency sabotage your hard work. Stay vigilant, stay committed, and for the love of all things good, keep going to those damn meetings.

Because in the end, recovery is a choice. And it's a choice you have to make every single day.-Belle-

Staying Stuck Sucks

Stepping into the Unknown: Because Let's Face It, Staying Stuck Sucks

I'm diving headfirst into the deep end – and honestly, it's a bit terrifying. After years of being all about my own little family universe, I'm now teaming up with a total rockstar in my field to create stuff for teenagers. Like, actual adolescents. Not just the tiny humans I've been practicing on at home. This is new turf, folks, and my inner monologue is basically just a highlight reel of worst-case scenarios and crippling self-doubt.

Newsflash: trying new things is basically just asking to be uncomfortable. It's like voluntarily signing up for a crash course in anxiety, with a side of imposter syndrome. Our brains are total jerks about this stuff, flooding us with questions we can't answer and fears we can't shake. It's way easier to just stick with what we know, even if what we know is a whole lot of meh.

But here's the catch: "meh" is basically just a one-way ticket to Nowheresville. And let's be real, who wants to live in Nowheresville? If you're anything like me – someone who's wrestled with their own demons, whether that's depression, anxiety, or a few too many rounds with substance abuse – you already know that staying stuck is basically just a recipe for disaster. When we stop challenging ourselves, when we quit pushing past those comfy little boundaries, that's when the real trouble starts.

Recovery, whether it's from mental health struggles or addiction or just plain old being a hot mess, is all about growth. It's about learning to rewire our brains, to find new ways of coping, to become someone who doesn't just survive but actually thrives. And that doesn't happen by playing it safe. That happens by taking leaps, even when those leaps feel like a straight-up free fall.

So, why put ourselves through this? A few reasons:

• Growth Mindset: Think of trying new things like weightlifting for your brain. The more you challenge yourself, the stronger you get. And that strength is what'll carry you through when things get tough (and let's face it, they will get tough).
• Confidence Boost: There's no quite like the high of mastering something new. It's like a shot of pure "I've got this" straight into your veins. And when you're struggling, that's exactly what you need.
• Shake Things Up: When we do the same old things the same old way, we get stuck in a rut. New experiences are like hitting the reset button – they help us find fresh perspectives and new ways of tackling problems.
• Become the Boss of You: The more you push past your comfort zone, the more you realize you're way more capable than you thought. That's some powerful stuff when you're fighting to take control back from your demons.

Now, I'm not gonna lie – this isn't always easy. Or fun. There will be face-plants. There will be "what the hell was I thinking?" moments. But here's the thing: those moments are temporary. The growth, the confidence, the sense of self – that's what sticks.

As I gear up for this whole new adventure with actual teenagers, I'm reminding myself of that. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to stumble. The only way to fail is to quit showing up. And let's be real, quitting's just not an option. Not anymore.

So, who's with me? Is there something you've been putting off, a challenge you've been eyeing, a leap you've been too afraid to take? Now's your moment. The worst that happens is you fall, get back up, and try again. The best that happens is you discover you're way stronger than you ever thought possible.

Here's to the unknown, to the uncomfortable, and to the incredible growth waiting just beyond our comfort zones. Bring. It. On.-Belle- 

Sabotage: The Sneakiest Little Bastard in Your Recover

Hey there, fellow travelers on the bumpy road to recovery. Let's talk about something that might just be the most annoying, frustrating, and baffling part of this whole journey: self-sabotage.

You know the drill. Things are going great. You've got your sobriety streak going, you're feeling good, physically and mentally...and then BAM! Out of nowhere, you find yourself scrolling through liquor store delivery apps or driving past your old dealer's spot. What the hell, brain?!

Self-sabotage: it's like that one friend who always cancels plans at the last minute, but instead of just being flaky, they're actively trying to derail your entire life.

So, why do we do this? Well, buckle up, because things are about to get real deep, real fast. Essentially, self-sabotage is the ultimate expression of fear. Fear of change, fear of success, fear of actually getting what we say we want.

Think about it: addiction is a familiar hell. It's scary and damaging, but it's what we know. Recovery, on the other hand, is unknown territory. It's the promise of a better life, but with that comes expectations...of ourselves and others. It's the threat of actually having to deal with our emotions, instead of just numbing them.

Self-sabotage is our way of putting the brakes on this whole terrifying process. It's our subconscious screaming, "Abandon ship! Get back to what you know, even if what you know is terrible!"

But here's the kicker: self-sabotage isn't always dramatic. Sometimes it's the little things. Procrastinating on getting to a meeting, isolating when you know you should reach out for support, or "forgetting" to take your medication. It's all sabotage, my friends.

So, how do we stop screwing ourselves over? Well, the first step is acknowledging it. When you catch yourself mid-sabotage, just pause. Recognize what's happening and tell yourself, "Ah, okay. My brain's being a little shit again."

Next, get to the root of it. What are you really afraid of? Is it success? Is it failure? Is it the idea of actually being happy? Once you can identify the fear, you can start tackling it.

Mindfulness is key here. Mindfulness is like the annoyingly healthy friend who always suggests a run when you want to hit the pub. It's a pain, but it keeps you on track. Practice recognizing your thoughts and emotions without judgment. When you feel the urge to sabotage, don't fight it...just observe it, like a curious scientist studying a particularly frustrating specimen.

And for the love of all things good, stop being so hard on yourself! You're going to screw up. It's part of the deal. Don't make things worse by piling on self-loathing. Instead, learn to laugh at your own ridiculousness. I mean, come on...we're the only species that actively works against its own best interests. That's kind of funny, in a sad way.

Recovery is a messy, imperfect thing. It's two steps forward, one step back, and sometimes it's one step forward, two steps back. But the important thing is that we keep moving. We keep acknowledging the sabotage, digging into the fears behind it, and practicing a little more self-compassion.

So, let's make a pact to stop being our own worst enemies. Let's get curious about our fears, instead of letting them control us. And when all else fails, let's just laugh at the absurdity of it all. Because at the end of the day, the only way to win against self-sabotage is to survive it, one frustrating little setback at a time.

Keep moving, folks. It's worth it, even when it doesn't feel like it.-Belle-