Learning to Trust Myself Again: A Wild Ride of Recovery, CBT, and Not Totally Screwing Things Up

I used to trust myself about as much as I'd trust a raccoon with my lunch. Meaning, not at all. See, when you're deep in the throes of addiction, your internal compass is about as reliable as a drunk trying to give directions. You're constantly second-guessing, overthinking, and wondering if you're just messing everything up (spoiler alert: you probably are).

But, as the fog of substances starts to lift, you're left staring at this stranger in the mirror – yourself. And you have to start figuring out how to trust that guy/gal again. It's like trying to relearn how to ride a bike, except the bike's on fire and there's a cliff involved.

At first, it feels like you're making everything up as you go along. "Should I eat this sandwich? Is that a yes or a no?" It's exhausting. But slowly, you start to tune back into that little voice inside your head. You know, the one that's not screaming at you to drink/smoke/sleep till next Thursday. That guy starts to get louder again.

This is where tools like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) come in handy. It's like learning to be your own life coach, but without the obnoxious whistle and pointless running drills. You start to catch those negative thought patterns, kinda like a baseball player snagging a fly ball, and you're like, "Oh, I'm about to spiral into a panic… let me reroute this."

You begin playing the tape forward, seeing how actions have consequences. It's like finally reading the instructions after you've been trying to build that IKEA bookshelf for an hour. Things start to make sense. You're not just reacting anymore, you're responding. You're not just surviving, you're kinda, sorta thriving.

Now, I'm not gonna lie and tell you it's all rainbows and kittens. There are still days when trusting myself feels like handing a toddler a box of sharpies and hoping for the best. But, the trick is to not totally freak out when things inevitably get messy. It's okay to not have all the answers. It's okay to still screw up sometimes. That's just, like, Tuesday.

And, yeah, there are slippery slopes. There'll be days when that old familiar voice whispers, "Just one drink won't hurt." But, you've got this. You've got tools, you've got support, and you've got a whole lot of reasons to keep moving forward.

So, who do you trust when you can't trust yourself? Well, that's where those pesky support groups and therapists come in. They're like having a spotter at the gym, except they won't judge you if you can only lift, like, a kettlebell. And, hey, talking about feeling like you can't trust your own brain? That's a great conversation starter! (Sarcasm alert!)

But, here's the thing: the more you practice trusting yourself, the easier it gets. It's like a weird, wonderful muscle that grows the more you use it. And, man, is it empowering. You start to realize you're capable of way more than you thought. You can totally order food without having a panic attack, or make a life decision without consulting a Magic 8-Ball.

Recovery isn't always easy, but it's worth it. Because, on the other side of all the hard work, is this person who's a little more whole, a little more themselves, every single day. And, yeah, that's a person you can trust. That's a person you can root for.

So, hey, if you're in the midst of that struggle, just know things get better. Keep showing up, even when you don't feel like it. Keep doing the next right thing, no matter how small it seems. Because, eventually, you'll look in the mirror and see a person you can trust, a person you actually kinda like. And, man, that's a beautiful thing.-Belle-