The 12 Steps of Screwdriver Salvation: When Life Has You Completely Screwed  (Because I believe in Ancient Aliens and Universal Energy) 

Step 1: We admitted we were so monumentally screwed up that we couldn't unfuck ourselves with an entire hardware store's worth of tools.

Step 2: Came to believe that something - literally ANYTHING - could be more functional than our current disaster of a life. Enter: The Screwdriver. Our unlikely hero.

Step 3: Decided to stop being the stripped screw in the universe's toolbox and surrender to something that actually knows how to make progress.

Step 4: Did a brutally honest inventory of our shit. Turns out, we've been a pretty janky, misaligned mess - kind of like that IKEA furniture you tried to assemble after three glasses of wine.

Step 5: Admitted to our Screwdriver, ourselves, and another human being exactly how royally we've been screwing up. No filter. No bullshit.

Step 6: Got ready to have our Screwdriver of Destiny remove all these spectacular character defects. Because clearly, our DIY approach to life has been a total catastrophe.

Step 7: Humbly asked our Higher Power (aka this magnificent screwdriver) to patch up our broken-ass self. We're talking serious life renovation.

Step 8: Made a list of everyone we've accidentally or intentionally hammered into the ground. Time to start fixing those relationships - one careful turn at a time.

Step 9: Made direct amends wherever possible, except when doing so would cause more damage than a drunk electrician with a power drill.

Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we realized we were being a total tool, we admitted it immediately.

Step 11: Sought to improve our connection with the Screwdriver of Understanding. Meditation, prayer, whatever - just stop being so disconnected.

Step 12: Having experienced this spiritual awakening (aka learning we're not the most important screw in the universe), we tried to carry this message to other lost souls. Spread the gospel of getting your shit together.

Serenity Prayer: Remix
Universe, give me the patience to accept the screws I can't turn,
The badass courage to wrench the ones I can,
And the wisdom to know when to call a professional.

Because sometimes, recovery is just admitting you're too damn broken to fix yourself - and that's okay.