Beyond Guilt: Healing from the Harm of Parenting Through Addiction

I'll never forget the night my world shattered. My ex and I, both high on meth, got into a physical fight. I'll spare you the details, but I ended up with a split lip, and what's seared into my memory is seeing my toddler son, barely two years old, standing there in the chaos. His tiny face was smeared with my blood. In that instant, something inside me broke. I realized I wasn't just destroying myself with my addiction, but traumatizing my innocent children.

If you're a parent who's struggled with addiction, you know the weight of this guilt. We've put our kids through hell, even if we didn't mean to. The lies, the broken promises, the times we weren't there when they needed us... it's a painful list to reflect on.

But here's the thing: guilt, while understandable, isn't going to help our kids heal. Or us, for that matter. So, how do we move forward? How do we make amends for the pain we've caused, and help our children work through the trauma of being raised by an addicted parent?

It Starts with Honesty

Our natural instinct might be to shield our kids from the full truth of our addiction. We don't want to burden them further. But kids can usually see right through our attempts to sugarcoat things. What they need is honesty – age-appropriate, but honest.

My own son, now much older, has only vague memories of that night. But I've been honest with him about how sick I was, and the terrible things he witnessed. I've apologized for putting him through that, and reassured him again and again that what happened was in no way his fault. It's been a hard conversation, but one I knew I had to have.

Healing Takes Time (and Help)

We can't undo the past, no matter how much we might wish we could. What we can do is commit to being present, reliable parents now. This means getting support for ourselves, whether that's therapy, support groups, or seeing a doctor about underlying mental health issues.

Our kids need the same. They may benefit from counseling, or a support group like Alateen for kids of addicted parents. These spaces let them process their feelings in a safe environment.

Material Possessions Can't Replace Your Presence

In my early recovery, I fell into the trap of overindulging my kids. I felt so guilty, I said yes to every request, hoping toys or treats could make up for the pain I'd put them through. But what they really crave is our steady, loving presence.

It's the little things that build trust – showing up to events, having dinner together, being someone they can count on. These actions speak louder than any apology or gift.

Forgiveness is a Journey

Forgiveness – of ourselves, and by our kids – won't happen overnight. It's a slow, messy process. There will still be tough days when guilt overwhelms you, or your child acts out because of unresolved pain.

In those moments, take a deep breath. Remind yourself of how far you've come. Apologize sincerely when you mess up, and recommit to doing better. And always keep the lines of communication open, even when it's hard.

We Are Not Defined by Our Worst Moments

As someone who's spent years wrestling with addiction, it's easy to get stuck in seeing myself as 'that mom' – the one who wasn't there for her kids. But that's only one chapter of my story. Now, I'm also the mom who got help, who fights every day to be better, and who loves her kids fiercely.

Our children can grow up to be resilient, whole people. They can have a healthy relationship with us. It won't be easy, and it won't be perfect. But with time, patience, and a willingness to face our mistakes head-on, we can help them heal.

And in the process, we might just heal ourselves.-Belle-